Airplanes in the Night Sky
by Aranelle
Summary: Two years post BTR. James and Kendall broke up two months after BTR, and James comes home for Christmas to find things a lot different than he expected.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Two years post BTR. James and Kendall broke up two months after BTR, and James comes home for Christmas to find things a lot different than he expected.

Warnings: This is not a happy fic, guys. Angst, in copious amounts, alcoholism and basically just a lot of sad.

**A/N: Dedicated to and written for the lovely and amazing Courtney, and betaed by the fabulous Clarry. This. Just exploded. It was supposed to be a ficlet. A tiny little ficlet that somehow turned into eighteen times what a ficlet is supposed to be. It was also supposed to be a Christmas present so…I hope the sheer monstrosity of this makes up for it. Title taken from "Airplanes" by B.O.B, because it was in my head constantly while writing.**

If you'd told Kendall when he was fifteen that at twenty two he'd be the youngest starting center for the Minnesota Wild he'd have puffed up his chest and said of course he was, he was Kendall Knight. What he didn't realize was that by twenty four he'd have moved to California at sixteen, lived there for six years while fronting a boy band, dated and fallen in love with his best friend (who was also a guy), and two months _after _that moved back to Minnesota to play for the Wild.

* * *

><p>He doesn't talk to James anymore; not since six months after Big Time Rush disbanded and James called him late one night, telling him it was over, that he couldn't handle the distance anymore. Kendall had begged James to rethink his decision, told him that they could find a way to make it work, but James had been resolute; he'd told Kendall his new record label didn't think it was a good idea for him to have a long distance relationship, much less with another guy. Kendall had gotten mad then, shouting at James that if he cared that much about his image then it was probably better they broke up, and proceeded to slam the phone down on the receiver and completely lose it. Logan had found him hours later, after he got home from the med school classes he was taking, slumped on the floor in the kitchen with a half empty bottle of vodka in his hand.<p>

It'd taken Kendall months to get over that night; Carlos had called from California the next day, trying to explain what James was going through, but Kendall hadn't had any interest in hearing it; he'd hung up on Carlos too, grabbing his keys and heading to the bar just down the street. He'd called Logan to come get him after he'd gotten so drunk he'd thrown up twice in the bathroom; Logan had taken one look at the state he was in and punched the living daylights out of him before dragging him home and into the bathroom, leaving him there to spend the rest of the night puking his guts out.

Kendall knows the way he's dealing with this isn't healthy; people that drink to forget shouldn't be allowed to drink, but the only time he feels happy is when he's on the ice, or when he's drinking. He barely talks to Logan anymore, only enough to slur a thanks when Logan picks him up from whatever bar he's at before passing out and heading to practice the next day. He never lets the alcohol get in the way of skating, because the last thing he needs is to get fired from the Wild.

* * *

><p>A year after James dumped him over the phone Kendall thinks he's finally found a balance in his life; he doesn't drink as heavily anymore, because after two months of his binge drinking Logan sat him down in the kitchen and screamed at him until he lost his voice, calling Kendall every bad name he'd ever heard, and a lot of ones he hadn't. He'd toned it down then, for Logan's sake more than his own, the last thing he wanted Logan to have to deal with was Kendall drinking himself to death.<p>

* * *

><p>Two years later Kendall thinks he's finally starting to feel whole again. He's never dated anyone since James, never even looked at another person for longer than it takes to notice they're looking, but he's okay with it; he needs to find himself again before he can be anything to anyone else.<p>

He barely notices the time passing anymore, the only reason he realizes Christmas is coming is because Logan forces him to come out of his depressed stupor so they can buy a tree together. From the little he's paid attention to his best friend (and he knows he's the worst friend in the entire world) he thinks there's something different about this year, Logan seems really…determined, he decides. And almost excited, like there's something happening that he's trying not to get his hopes up about.

* * *

><p>A week later finds Kendall completely sober for exactly one month; Logan had forbidden Kendall to go out after practice, and any other time, because he was worried Kendall was going to kill his liver, and at the end of the day Kendall cares more about Logan than he does himself so he'd relented and cleaned up. It's scary, to think that at twenty four he's a recovering alcoholic, but he accepts that he is and moves on, there's nothing else for him to do.<p>

* * *

><p>Three days before Christmas Kendall's helping Logan decorate their apartment, surprised that he's actually kind of looking forward to the holiday. As he's hanging ornaments he decides to ask Logan what he's got up his sleeve; his best friend has been extremely tight lipped about his plans.<p>

"So who's coming over?" he tries again, taking another box of ornaments to hang.

"Some friends," Logan says, turning to grin at Kendall, and Kendall hasn't seen that mischievous look on his face in years, he's definitely plotting something.

"You gonna tell me who?" Kendall presses, rolling his eyes when Logan smirks at him.

"You'll see," he says mysteriously, and Kendall knows he's not getting anything more out of him tonight.

The next night Kendall opens the door to greet who he assumes are the party guests, eyes widening in shock when he sees Carlos standing outside in the hallway.

"What are you doing here?" he manages after a second, laughing a little as Carlos pulls him into a bear hug.

"Logan invited me," he says, and if Kendall didn't know better he'd say Carlos had the same look as Logan's been sporting the last few weeks. "You and I need to catch up, man, go grab me a beer or something."

"Uh," Kendall says awkwardly, knowing Logan hadn't gotten any alcohol for the party, "we don't keep booze in the house anymore, I'm not allowed." Carlos raises an eyebrow, and Kendall wonders how much he and Logan have talked recently; he knows they call each other a few times a month, but Kendall's guessing Logan didn't want to air Kendall's personal business to anyone.

"What do you mean, 'you're not allowed'?" Carlos asks, heading over to the couch and sitting down. "What's wrong with you, dude, are you an alcoholic now?"

"Recovering," Kendall says with a sigh, sitting down next to Carlos, "been sober for a month now."

"You're not serious," Carlos says, and Kendall can't bring himself to look Carlos in the eye, "Kendall, please tell me you're not serious." Kendall sighs, looking up at Carlos, knowing the truth is written on his face.

"I'm serious," he says quietly, "I'm not proud of it." Carlos lets out a noise of disbelief, turning to look at Logan as he walks into the living room.

"Logan, what the fuck, man, why didn't you tell me Kendall has an alcohol problem?" Logan shrugs a little, and Kendall knows he was right about why Carlos didn't know.

"I had it handled," he says, "besides, it's not like it would have made any difference."

"Kendall, fuck," Carlos says quietly, "I'm sorry." Kendall shrugs, because it doesn't help to dwell on the past, and he's not going to let himself get to that point again.

"It is what it is," he says, accepting a can of pop from Logan, "I've been sober for exactly a month today, that's what I'm focusing on." Carlos nods, like he's not sure what else to say.

"I guess that's the important part," he says, taking a can from Logan as well, "I wish I'd known, though, I don't like that you got to that place." He looks over at Logan questioningly, and that mischievous smirk lights up Logan's face again.

"The rest of the guests will be here soon," he says, "you got everything set on your end, right?"

"Yeah," Carlos grins, slinging an arm around Kendall's shoulders as the buzzer goes off again. Logan gets up and buzzes whoever's down there in without even talking to them on the intercom, and Kendall suddenly realizes who's going to be at the door next. He feels himself tense, and Carlos's arm tightens around him, preventing him from escaping.

"You're not going anywhere," he mutters as Logan opens the door to reveal James, "it's Christmas, and we haven't all been together in two years, be a man and deal with it." Kendall frowns, and for the first time in weeks he wishes he had a drink in his hand, because this is the last situation he wants to be in and all he wants to do is stare into the bottom of an empty glass.

Logan rolls his eyes at Kendall's expression as he opens the door, and even two years later seeing James is like a knife through Kendall's heart. Logan grabs James and drags him into the apartment before locking the door, turning and grinning at Kendall and Carlos.

"We're all here now," he says, and James just stares awkwardly, like he can't decide if he wants to bolt or not. Logan drags him over to the couch and pushes him down next to Carlos, who stands up and heads into the kitchen, leaving Kendall and James alone together for the first time in almost three years.

"Hey," James says awkwardly, looking Kendall over, "you uh, look good."

"Do I?" Kendall asks acidly. "That's funny, because Logan keeps telling me I look like shit."

"Oh," James says lamely, looking at his lap, "I never should have let Carlos talk me into this. You guys don't have any booze, do you? I need a drink." Kendall feels himself snap then, because seeing James has opened up a floodgate he didn't realise was in him.

"No, James, Logan doesn't keep alcohol in the house anymore," he sneers, "because when you dumped me something inside me died, so I turned to booze to make things better. And kept drinking." He stands up, knowing he can't be in the same room with James anymore, walking over to grab his keys from the hook near the door.

"I don't blame you for the fact that I'm an alcoholic," he spits, "that's completely my fault. I just blame you for being a coward." He unlocks the door and leaves then, knowing that he's going to a bar and hating himself for it, but he doesn't know what else to do.


	2. Chapter 2

James stares in shock at the door after Kendall walks out; he feels terrible, he hadn't known how badly Kendall took their breakup. He'd allowed Carlos to talk him into coming back to Minnesota because part of him still held out hope that he'd be able to fix things with Kendall, but he's never really thought there was any chance; he really doesn't think he has a chance anymore. Logan walks in after a minute, looking around in confusion.

"Where's Kendall?" he asks, and James feels his face heat up, because he probably should have stopped Kendall from leaving.

"He left," he says, eyes widening at the expression that passes over Logan's face.

"Fuck," he says with a sigh, sitting down on the couch. "I'm sure he went drinking, and he was doing so well."

"Do we need to go get him?" Carlos asks concernedly, "he's not gonna do something stupid, is he?"

"No," Logan sighs, and James feels really bad now, "he'll call in an hour or so to tell me where he is, we'll go get him then."

Sure enough, exactly an hour later Logan's phone rings. "Where are you?" he asks when he picks up, falling silent as Kendall answers. "Okay, you know the drill; stay put and don't drink anymore, I'll be there in five." He hangs up the phone and shoots James a glare.

"Come on, I want you to see this," he says as they pile into his car and head to the bar. James feels sick to his stomach as they walk in and see Kendall slumped on a barstool, turning to cling to Logan as he walks up and puts a hand on Kendall's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he hears Kendall say, and his heart breaks again, "I'm so sorry, Logan."

"It's okay, Kendall," Logan says sadly, turning to the bartender. "How many did he have?"

"Cut him off after four rounds, just like always, man," is the response, "he knew better than to argue this time." James sees Logan nod; it makes him sick to see that this is clearly a regular conversation. Logan turns to Kendall, a sad look on his face.

"You ready to go?" he asks softly, and James can see him squeeze Kendall's shoulder. Kendall nods, looking like he could cry.

"Please," he whispers, barely loud enough for James to hear, "Logan, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Logan says again, sweeping Kendall into his arms and dropping a wad of bills on the counter, nodding to the bartender, who shakes his head sadly in answer, "come on, let's get you home."

James immediately moves to help Logan carry Kendall to the car, feeling like he's going to throw up; he's never seen Kendall so broken, and he knows it's all his fault. When the label had come to him telling him he needed to get rid of his boyfriend he'd immediately told them to shove it; it wasn't until they'd threatened to out Kendall that he'd relented.

They finally get Kendall home and into bed, and Logan sets out a glass of water for when he wakes up before grabbing James by the shirt and hauling him into the living room.

"I could kill you," Logan snarls at him, "do you know how long it took him to finally get sober? Years, James. And whatever you said to him tonight sent him right back to where he was and he's going to have to start all over again."

"I'm sorry," James says, wincing at the force behind Logan's words, "why didn't you tell me, Logan?"

"Because it wouldn't have made a difference," Logan spits, "and I didn't tell Carlos because I knew he'd tell you, and Kendall has a hard enough time with this, if he'd known you knew and didn't do anything I think he would have drank himself to death."

"I...Logan I'm sorry," James says again, "how do I make this better?"

"Talk to him," Logan responds, "and you should probably do it when he wakes up and is still a little drunk, I don't think he'll do it otherwise."

"Okay," James says, going back into Kendall's bedroom to take up a vigil next to his ex boyfriend's bed.

* * *

><p>Kendall wakes up an hour or so later, groping for the water on the nightstand, and James immediately goes to help him, bringing the water to his mouth and helping him swallow some.<p>

"Easy," he murmurs, "don't choke yourself." Kendall looks up at him in confusion for a moment before his expression darkens.

"Like you'd care," Kendall mutters, "you don't love me anymore." Kendall's words are like a knife through James's heart, and he feels tears come to his eyes.

"That's not true," he says softly, "I never stopped loving you."

"You have a funny way of showing it," Kendall says, staring up at James blearily, "why'd you dump me then?"

"Because I was scared," James admits, hating that he let himself get talked into something that ruined the best thing in his life. "They threatened to 'let slip' that you were gay, and I didn't want to ruin your dream, not after you'd given me mine."

"I've been out to the Wild for a year now," Kendall says softly, "James, I made enough with Big Time Rush that I could have dealt with getting fired; you meant more to me than my career. I just never thought you didn't feel the same way."

"I'm sorry," James says, wondering if he's ever going to be able to fix this, "I wish I could take it back, I hate what I did to you."

"Me too," Kendall says, "I'd been sober for a month before tonight, I don't know if I can go through this again. I want to give up."

"Kendall," James says quietly, "Kendall, I love you. I love you so much, it's killing me to see you like this. Tell me what I can do."

"I don't know," Kendall says, fixing James with a piercing stare, "part of me wants to tell you to get out, and the rest of me needs you so badly it's physically painful."

"I'm here," James says, moving to sit on the bed next to Kendall, "I can't leave you again, not with you in this state, it'll kill me."

"James," Kendall gasps, looking at James pleadingly, "Jamie, please, don't do this to me, I can't go through you leaving again." James feels his eyes well up with unshed tears at Kendall's words, and he climbs up next to him, pulling Kendall close and squeezing him tight.

"I'm not going to leave you," he says, reaching up to stroke Kendall's hair, "Kendall, I want to fix this. You're worth so much more to me than you know, and I'm so sorry I let it go on this long." Kendall sighs a little and relaxes against James, and it's almost like the last two years didn't happen.

"I don't know," Kendall says, "I just...don't know if we can go back."

"Give me a chance," James pleads, knowing if he doesn't get through to Kendall now he never will, "let me prove it to you, I promise, I'll make things right."

"Okay," Kendall says after a minute, and James can hear the hesitation in his voice, "you know if this doesn't wok out it'll kill me."

"It'll work," James promises, pressing a careful kiss to the top of Kendall's head, "I promise, Kendall. I'm so sorry."

"Thank you," Kendall says quietly, James knows he's almost asleep again, so he just holds him, waiting for the morning.

* * *

><p>When Kendall awakes the next morning, feeling the familiar head pounding hangover, he curses himself. Alcohol always gives him weird dreams, and he could swear he dreamt that James came into his room last night, telling Kendall he still loved him, and that he wanted to make things right between them. Kendall hates his brain for that dream, because it's exactly what he wants to happen, but James doesn't love him anymore, so he knows it won't. He groans as someone pushes his bedroom door open, blinking in surprise when he sees it's James.<p>

"What do you want?" Kendall asks acidly. "I don't want to see you." James steps into the room hesitantly, like he's not sure if Kendall is going to throw him out.

"How's your head?" he asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "You were pretty wasted last night."

"Don't remind me," Kendall says, hating that he'd gotten drunk last night; he's so disappointed with himself. "So much for a month of sobriety." James frowns, looking upset.

"Do you remember last night at all?" he asks, and Kendall stares at him, wondering if maybe it wasn't a dream.

"Maybe," Kendall says, wishing James would just leave; waking up after a dream like that is bad enough, he doesn't need the object of his affections sitting at the foot of his bed. "What am I supposed to be remembering?"

"We talked last night," James says carefully, "I brought you some water and ibuprofen, figured you probably needed it." Kendall scowls, apparently last night wasn't a dream, and he's not sure how he feels about that.

"Thanks," he says, feeling awkward and uncomfortable as he accepts the pills and water from James. "You know you don't have to do this, I can handle myself."

"I know," James says, with a look on his face that clearly says he thinks Kendall's full of shit, "but I wanted to." Kendall arches an eyebrow, trying to quell the hope he feels in his chest, because he knows if James doesn't want him back he's going to lose whatever hold he had on himself.

"Why?" he asks quietly, feeling like his heart is about to beat out of his chest. "You haven't talked to me in almost three years, James, why the sudden change in heart?" James opens his mouth to respond before shutting it, clearly contemplating his words.

"It's fine, don't say anything," Kendall says, defeated, "I get it. You feel sorry for me because I'm a fucking alcoholic, I should have known it wasn't because you wanted me back."

"No, Kendall, that's not true," James says immediately, face falling, "I just…wasn't sure how to say it. I owe you an apology; I never should have let those idiots tell me you weren't good for me. For what it's worth, I left the label pretty soon after that; Carlos is my manager now, he's actually pretty awesome at it."

"That's great, James," Kendall says with a sigh, because as much as he hates every aspect of his life besides hockey he's really glad to hear James is living his dream, "I'm glad everything's working out so well for you."

"Yeah, things have been good," James agrees, looking at his lap and fiddling with the hem of his shirt, "but there's always been something missing; as much as I love singing, it hasn't been the same, not without you by my side."

"I don't know what you want from me," Kendall says, remembering that he'd told James he'd give him a chance last night, "I just know I can't keep living like this. Logan's terrified I'm going to drink myself to death; the only reason I stopped drinking is because of him. I hate that I feel the need to turn to booze to feel better, because all it does is make me forget for a few hours and then the shitstorm that is my life comes crashing back down around me once I sober up." He sighs heavily, looking James in the eye.

"James, I'm twenty four and I'm an alcoholic," he says after a minute, feeling crushing disappointment wash over him again when he has to omit the 'recovering' part. "Up until a month ago I spent more time drunk than sober; Logan's gotten so used to picking me up from the bars that the bartenders all know him on a first name basis now. You can't expect me to sit here and believe that with one visit you're going to magically make everything better." James looks at him with such pity and compassion that it kind of makes Kendall want to punch him.

"I know that," he says, moving closer to Kendall, "I know I'm not the brightest person in the world, but I know that. And I know that I love you, that I never stopped. And I'm not going back to California. I've been miserable without you, I threw myself into my work to try to mask how much I was hurting, but I didn't know what to do, I just knew that I'd fucked up. I thought I'd lost you forever."

"Why'd you break up with me?" Kendall asks softly, not sure he wants to hear the answer, but he knows he needs to; he needs to make peace with what happened, so he can move on. James looks down again, and Kendall knows this is going to hurt, because if what James has already told him is any indication, it was because he valued his career more than his relationship with Kendall.

"I was stupid," James says after a minute, "six months after Big Time Rush broke up and you and Logan went back to Minnesota my manager came to me. He told me there were rumors all over the music industry saying I was gay, and that he wasn't about to have a gay solo artist on his label. I told him to fuck off, that my dating you didn't have anything to do with my music, and he got pissed. He told me that he knew you were the new center for the Wild, and that a gay hockey player would be fired faster than I could imagine, he threatened to 'let it slip' that you were a 'fag,' as he put it. He was serious, and really homophobic, I think the only reason he let me stay is because I'm pretty and sold records." He pauses, looking up at Kendall.

"I couldn't let him ruin your dream, not when the Wild had just signed you as their center; it was what you've always wanted, and you gave up everything so I could be a pop star, for almost a decade, I figured this was my chance to repay you. So I called you that night, made up some excuse about how I couldn't handle being away from you. It was partially true, because trying to fall asleep without you next to me was horrible, but it wasn't something I couldn't learn to deal with, you know?" he says, and his eyes are pleading with Kendall to forgive him. "The second you hung up on me I broke down and cried, Carlos found me on the floor of the kitchen when he got home, he said he's never seen me so broken." He looks back down at his lap, picking at a stray thread on his jeans.

"I severed ties with the label the next week," he goes on, twisting the ring on his finger, the one Kendall gave him for their third anniversary; Kendall's shocked to see it still on his hand, but the sight of it gives him hope that they can fix this. "Carlos told me I was a fucking moron when he found me, that was when he tried to call you, but apparently I'd already ruined everything because you hung up on him too. So I broke my contract and Carlos stepped in to help me manage my career until I got a real manager. He was amazing at it, so we kept things the way they were once I got signed to a new label. And the rest is…well, you know the rest. I didn't know how to make things better between us, and I was terrified if I asked you to take me back you'd tell me no, so I chickened out and never tried. I was stupid." He looks back up at Kendall, and Kendall finds he can't quite respond yet, he needs some time to process everything, and his head is pounding like crazy, he knows he needs to go back to sleep for a little bit.

"Okay," he says quietly, "I…James, I'm gonna need some time. To think about this. I want to try to work on fixing us, but my head is pounding so badly I can barely hear myself think, and I'm going to have to go throw up again in a few minutes. Can we talk about it tonight, once I don't have a hangover anymore?" James looks crushed, and Kendall thinks he was hoping his confession would make Kendall offer to take him back, but Kendall knows he can't do that just yet.

"Yeah, okay," he says, standing up and walking over to the head of the bed. He hesitates for a second before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Kendall's forehead, smiling sadly.

"I love you," he says softly, "I always have, I hope you know that. And I'm so, so sorry. Come find me once your head feels better." Kendall's eyes slide shut at the feeling of James's lips on his skin again, and he feels tears start to break free as James shuts the door behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

Kendall wakes up a few hours later and drags himself out of bed, heading into the kitchen to find James, Carlos and Logan sitting at the table, talking quietly. James's face brightens up when he sees Kendall standing in the doorway, but he doesn't move, like he's not sure if he's allowed to do anything yet.

"How are you feeling?" Logan asks, eyeing Kendall critically, and Kendall shrugs in response.

"Better," he says, opening the fridge and grabbing a can of pop before sitting down in the only empty seat, which happens to be next to James. He looks at Logan, feeling like he's let his best friend down, and he feels terrible. "I'm so sorry," he murmurs, "I never wanted to have to make that call to you ever again." Logan sighs, reaching out to grip Kendall's shoulder reassuringly.

"You're allowed to have a relapse, Kendall," he says, "it's okay. We'll deal with it."

"Whatever you need from us, man," Carlos adds, shooting Kendall an encouraging smile, "James and I are gonna stay here indefinitely, I already called his label to tell them he's taking an extended leave of absence for personal reasons. They didn't like it, but they know better than to mess with me now." Kendall laughs a little at that, feeling like everything is back to normal now that they're all together. He turns to look at James, smiling a little.

"Wanna go for a walk with me?" he asks, "the cold'll help my head clear." James nods, immediately standing up and waiting for Kendall to follow him. Kendall smiles softly when James holds his jacket up and helps him into it, and Kendall catches the glint of the ring on James's hand again. It makes hope swell in him again, to still see it where Kendall had slid it onto James's hand five years ago, after he'd spent the whole day before searching jewelry stores before settling on the simple white gold band. He can still picture the expression on James's face when he'd handed his then boyfriend the box; Kendall'd had the ring engraved on the inside with their initials, telling James it was a promise that they'd be able to make it through anything, as long as they were together.

"So how's your head?" James asks as they walk outside, casually reaching to take Kendall's hand and lacing their fingers together. "You really scared me last night, Kendall, I'm so sorry I did this to you."

"It's okay," Kendall says with a shrug; ultimately, his alcoholism is his fault, not James's; there were other, better ways to have dealt with it than getting drunk all the time. "I'm used to it." James makes a noise of frustration at that, releasing Kendall's hand and wrapping his arm around Kendall's waist instead.

"I'm sorry," he says again, pressing a hesitant kiss to the side of Kendall's head. Kendall leans into James's touch almost involuntarily, because even after two and a half years his instinct has him gravitating towards James. "What can I do for you, Kendall?" Kendall shrugs, not sure exactly what he needs.

"Just…this," he says, resting his head on James's shoulder as they walk, "just be here, because I had nightmares that you left and I woke up wanting to drink again, and I can't keep doing that to Logan."

"I'm not going anywhere," James says, and Kendall can hear the conviction in his voice, "I promise, baby, I'm here until we fix this. And once we do I'll figure out what to do from there." Kendall nods, feeling his heart wrench and swell all at the same time at hearing the familiar nickname come out of James's mouth.

"Okay," he says softly, steering them into a park and over to a bench, sitting them down and resting his head on James's shoulder again, "I like that plan."

"Good," James says, pressing another kiss to Kendall's head, and Kendall smiles for the first time in what probably is years.

"So you kept that ring?" he asks, tilting his head to look at James and feeling his breath catch when he realizes James's proximity. James grins a little at him, and Kendall feels that swell of hope for a second time that night, he never thought he'd see that expression directed at him again.

"Yeah," he says, "couldn't bring myself to take it off, even though I knew you hated me and I'd ruined everything."

"You didn't ruin everything," Kendall says honestly, because he knows he's going to end up taking James back; he's weak when it comes to James, but he thinks James is genuine about wanting to make things better between them, and he's been a model boyfriend for the last few hours.

"Really?" James asks, relief evident in his voice. "I thought for sure I had."

"No," Kendall says, pulling back to look James in the eye. "I won't lie, it's going to take us a lot of work, and I need to stay sober for awhile until we can try again, but I want to. If you do."

"Of course I do," James says, reaching down and gripping Kendall's hand tightly. "I told you, I never stopped loving you. I'm just sorry I handled everything the way I did." Kendall cracks a smile at James's words, because he believes them, he can hear the truth in James's voice.

"I forgive you," he says, and he means it. It's the first step to going back, and the smile that lights up James's face sort of makes the last two years worth it. "We just need to take it slow."

"I can handle that," James says with a nod, the smile still on his face, "I just...need to do one thing first." Kendall arches an eyebrow, he knows where James is headed. His heart starts to race as James leans in and kisses him gently, hands cupping his face. Kendall freezes for a second, because it's not fair that with one kiss there's a dam breaking inside of him, but James has always had an effect on him like that. He kisses James back, feeling like if he lets go he'll die, fisting his hands in James's jacket and pulling him as close as humanly possible.

"Easy, we're supposed to be taking it slow," James says, smiling against Kendall's lips. "Kendall, fuck. I've missed you so much." He pulls back to look at Kendall, and it's almost like the last two years never happened.

"How can I help you get sober?" he asks seriously. "I'm worried about you, I need to know what I can do to help you." Kendall shrugs, because he was actually doing really well until yesterday.

"I've actually been doing okay," he says, "I just couldn't handle it last night. Seeing you, it was too much." He sighs, leaning back against the bench.

"I hate myself for it," he says after a minute, "I hate that I wasn't strong enough, that the second things got hard I went and got drunk. I'd promised myself I was never going to need to call Logan to pick me up from a bar ever again, and I'm so disappointed that I did." That look of pity and compassion is back on James's face, Kendall can tell how much he blames himself for Kendall's alcohol problem.

"Don't hate yourself," he says, "what you're dealing with, it's hard, Kendall. You're allowed to have difficulties, if you keep beating yourself up for it you'll never be able to move forward." Kendall nods, because he knows James is right, but knowing and believing are two completely different things.

"I know," he says, laying his head back on James's shoulder, "it's just hard. I'm supposed to be the strong one."

"You are strong," James says, settling an arm around Kendall's shoulders, "you kicked it once, you can do it again, I know it." Kendall smiles at James's words, shivering a little from being out in the cold for so long.

"C'mon, let's head back," James says, standing and pulling Kendall up with him, "I don't want you to get sick." Kendall laughs, feeling lighter than he has in years.

"I'm surprised you're not freezing," he says as they walk back, "you're not used to the cold anymore." James laughs, wrapping his arm around Kendall's waist and pulling him close as they head up to the apartment. Logan pops his head out of the kitchen and surveys them, nodding in approval when it's clear they haven't been fighting.

"I made hot chocolate," he says as they hang their coats up, "and Carlos wants to watch cheesy Christmas movies for the rest of the night, so we're gonna do that."

"Sounds great," Kendall says with a smile, settling next to James on the couch and allowing his...whatever they are to each other to pull him into his arms as they watch the ridiculous movie Carlos picked out.

* * *

><p>Once the movies are over they all say goodnight; James follows Kendall to his bedroom, standing awkwardly in the doorway.<p>

"So I was hoping I could stay with you tonight," he says, and Kendall raises an eyebrow, because sharing a bed really isn't taking it slow, but it's James, and James has always been the exception to Kendall's rules. He nods after a moment, changing into a pair of sweats and sitting down on the bed, motioning for James to join him.

"You know this isn't taking it slow," he teases softly as James strips down to his boxers, making James chuckle.

"I can't help myself around you," he responds with a smile, pulling Kendall in to kiss him gently. "I just want to fall asleep with your arms around me, that's all I need." Kendall laughs again, feeling his heart swell, and it's the second time today he's really felt like they're going to be okay.

"I can do that," he says, laying down and opening his arms for James, who crawls into them and rests his head on Kendall's chest.

"I love you," James says after a few minutes, tilting his head up to look at Kendall, "I can't tell you that enough." His brow furrows in thought for a minute and he sits up, the beginnings of a plan written all over his face.

"I'm going to do some Christmas shopping tomorrow," he says, eyeing Kendall carefully, "will you come with me?"

"Sure," Kendall says, wondering what James has up his sleeve, "you're plotting something, aren't you." James grins at him, and Kendall can tell that the shopping will probably be just for him.

"Never," he replies, smirking at Kendall a little before laying back down, "I just want you with me, that's all."

"Whatever you say," Kendall chuckles, "I'd be happy to keep you company." James makes a noise of contentment, and Kendall's almost surprised by how easy it is to fall asleep now that James is in his arms again.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning passes in a blur; James is so excited to go Christmas shopping he can barely contain himself. He came up with an idea for a gift for Kendall when he mentioned James's ring yesterday, and even though the surprise will be ruined by having Kendall with him he's not bothered; Christmas is tomorrow, after all. They head to the mall near Kendall and Logan's apartment, and James takes Kendall's hand once they get there, squeezing it tight as they walk through the maze of shops.

"So what is it that you're buying me?" Kendall asks with a grin, and James thinks he'll do anything to keep Kendall smiling like that. He arches an eyebrow playfully, grinning at his friend.

"Who says I'm buying you something? Maybe I just wanted the company," he teases, steering them towards a jewelry store.

"Bullshit," Kendall laughs, and James feels his heart melt a little at the happiness in Kendall's voice. "I know you, you're buying me something or you'd tell me why we're here." James shakes his head and gestures to the store.

"Pick something out," he says, grinning when Kendall's eyes widen.

"James, I can't just 'pick something out,'" he protests, and James rolls his eyes.

"Sure you can," he says, dragging Kendall over to a case of watches. "Money's no object, pick whichever one you like." Kendall glares at him as a salesperson comes up and greets them, and a half hour later they leave with a watch on Kendall's wrist and the guy's business card in James's wallet; he's coming back here after Christmas.

"You know you didn't have to get me this," Kendall says as he looks down at the watch on his wrist, and James just laughs.

"I wanted to," he says, taking Kendall's hand again as they leave the mall. "I'm taking you to dinner too, where do you want to go?"

"Wherever," Kendall says with a shrug, squeezing James's hand and smiling, "there's a good pizza place down the street, how about that?"

"Sounds perfect," James says, feeling like their lives are finally getting back to normal. They head over to the pizza place and sit at a table, and James smiles at the waitress when she comes to take their order. The request for a beer is automatic, James doesn't even think about it until he sees the expression on Kendall's face as the waitress walks away.

"Fuck, Kendall, I'm sorry," he says, reaching for Kendall's hand and frowning when Kendall pulls it away.

"If we're gonna do this," he says carefully, "you need to be more sensitive. I don't really mind this time, but it's really hard to be around people that are drinking, you know?" James nods vehemently, feeling terrible that he forgot.

"I promise," he says, reaching for Kendall's hand again and breathing a sigh of relief when Kendall allows him to lace their fingers together.

"Okay," Kendall says, smiling at him. The waitress brings their drinks and James immediately asks her to take the beer back to bring him a pop, but Kendall shakes his head.

"Enjoy your beer," he says, smiling, and James can tell it's genuine as he turns to the waitress, "he's good, just cut him off after one." The waitress laughs and leaves to get their pizza, and James looks at Kendall questioningly.

"I didn't mind drinking pop," he says, arching an eyebrow when Kendall shrugs.

"It's really not a big deal," he says, gesturing vaguely, "just...next time, if you don't mind."

"Of course I don't mind," James says sincerely, because he's never going to forget after seeing the expression on Kendall's face. Before he knows it dinner's over and they're getting back into Kendall's car to head home, and James smiles when Kendall laces their fingers together as he drives.

When they get home they find Christmas cookies sitting on the kitchen table and a giant bowl of frosting sitting next to them; Carlos walks up and tells them they're going to spend the rest of the night decorating. James laughs and allows his best friend to drag him into the kitchen, grinning ruefully at Kendall as they sit down at the table with Logan to pass the rest of the night frosting the three dozen cookies Carlos forced Logan to help him bake.

* * *

><p>Kendall wakes up the next morning with James in his arms again; it's amazing, how quickly they fall back into a routine, which Kendall thinks is a good thing. He smiles down at James as he stirs, and the smile on James's face as he snuggles closer to Kendall makes his heart melt a little.<p>

"Merry Christmas," he says softly, pressing a kiss to James's forehead.

"Merry Christmas," James responds, leaning up to press a kiss to Kendall's lips, and despite the fact that neither of them have brushed their teeth yet Kendall finds himself returning it anyway. He hasn't been this happy in a long time, not since he lived in California, and the feeling is familiar and strange and sort of breaks his heart all at the same time. He's not sure how he managed to survive two years without James, if he's honest with himself he almost didn't, but now that he has James back in his arms he's never letting him go again.

"I love you," he says to James softly, knowing it's the first time since James came back that he's actually said the words. James's eyes widen and a smile breaks onto his face as he pulls Kendall as close as he can and crushes their lips together.

"I love you too," he says against Kendall's mouth, "fuck, I love you so much, Kendall." Kendall laughs softly, wrapping his arms around James and holding him tight.

"We're going to be okay," he says, pulling back to look at James, "for the first time since you got here I really believe that." James smiles at him again, moving to settle back into his arms, resting his head on Kendall's chest.

"I promised you that," he says, trailing a hand over Kendall's chest, "I told you, whatever it takes, Kendall. I'll do it." Kendall smiles, reaching up to card his hand through James's hair, looking up as someone knocks on the door before pushing it open.

"Oh, good, you're both awake," Carlos says with a grin, and Kendall can see the relief on his face, he just can't tell if it's because Carlos is glad he didn't walk in on anything more intimate than cuddling or if it's just because they are. "Logan and I made pancakes, c'mon before they get cold."

"Okay, okay, getting up," Kendall says with a grin, dropping another kiss on the top of James's head as Carlos walks out.

"You ready to get up?" he asks, tilting his head to look down at James. "I'm starving." James laughs and unwraps his arms from Kendall's waist and climbs out of bed, walking over to the suitcase next to Kendall's dresser and pulling on a pair of sweatpants.

"Ready," he says, holding out a hand for Kendall, who takes it as they walk out of the room and into the kitchen. Logan flashes Kendall a bright smile as he sits down, he can see relief on his face too; he's guessing Logan and Carlos have been sitting up gossiping about him like the girls they really are since he and James went for that walk last night.

"These look amazing, Logan," James says as he sits down next to Kendall, reaching under the table to settle a hand on Kendall's knee and Kendall shoots him a shy smile.

"Thanks," Logan says with a grin, passing the syrup around and surveying them critically. "So how are you two?" Kendall shrugs, tearing his eyes away from James to look at Logan.

"We're getting there," he says, and Logan nods in understanding. Kendall looks over at Carlos, who smiles at him and nods as well.

"So Logan and I have been talking," he says, and Kendall catches himself rolling his eyes, because they're such a pair of gossipy girls, "don't you roll your eyes at me, Knight. Anyway, me and Logan were thinking that, since James and I are staying here indefinitely, we should look into getting an apartment."

"Okay," James says through a mouthful of food, "one for just you and me?" Carlos shakes his head, glancing over at Logan again.

"One for the four of us," Logan clarifies, shooting Carlos a smile, clearly this had been Carlos's idea, "if you two want, of course. We'll get a two bedroom, Carlos and I can share again." Kendall looks over at James, wondering how he feels about the idea, and James just grins at him.

"Let's do it," he says, "we can go to a realtor first thing tomorrow." Logan and Carlos both laugh at his enthusiasm, but Kendall doesn't miss the 'I love you' James mouths at him before turning to his food.


	5. Chapter 5

A week later they've found and moved into a new apartment, and because there's four of them to split the rent now it's twice as nice as the apartment Kendall and Logan were living in. James and Kendall share a bedroom again, and they haven't discussed what they are yet, but Kendall finds he's not really in any rush; he's more concerned with getting his life back on track. James has been a steadfast support at Kendall's side the entire week; even though Kendall doesn't feel like he needs it as much as James seems to think he does, it's nice, to have him there. Kendall picks his life back up after Christmas break from the Wild, and a few days after New Years he comes home to James sitting in the living room, candles lit on the dining room table and dinner set out on plates.

"What on earth," he murmurs to himself as he sets his things down, looking at James in confusion as he stands and walks over to him.

"I made Carlos and Logan go out tonight," he says, smiling softly at Kendall, and Kendall feels his heart melt as James helps him out of his jacket and hangs it on the rack by the door. "I want to talk to you about something." Kendall arches an eyebrow at James, wondering what he's plotting as he's led over to the couch and sat down.

"So I got you something," James says, fishing something out of his pocket and holding it behind his back as he sits down next to Kendall.

"James, you already got me a five thousand dollar watch, you don't have to keep buying me things," Kendall says, feeling like he might know where this is heading, and it's terrifying him. James shakes his head, placing a ring box in Kendall's hand, and Kendall feels himself shaking a little.

"It's not what you think it is," James says, "just open it." Kendall nods, opening the box to see a plain white gold band, identical to the one on James's hand.

"I never took the ring you gave me off," James says, lifting the ring out of the box with one hand and taking Kendall's hand with the other, "not even when I thought I'd ruined everything, and I still blame myself so much for what you went through because of it. I had this made to match mine exactly, engraving and everything." Kendall shakes his head, watching as James slides the ring onto his finger before looking up at him.

"We can't get married here," James says softly, "and that's not what this is, I'm not stupid enough to propose to you right now."

"Then what _is_ this?" Kendall asks, confused.

"A promise," James replies, smiling softly at Kendall, "I know it's only been two weeks since we started talking again, but I want you to know that I'm committed to you, to helping you get better and for the rest of my life. I'd like you to be my boyfriend again, if you'll have me; I know we're supposed to be taking it slow, but I think we can take that step again. I need it, I think, to have you as my boyfriend, because as much as I know that this is about you it's about me too; we're in this together." Kendall stares at James, beyond words, because even in the six years they dated he's never seen such love and devotion in James's eyes, never heard such conviction in his voice, and that swelling of hope he keeps feeling gets even stronger this time, and it doesn't go away.

"Even after everything I've been through," he says, turning his hand over to lace his fingers through James's, "the alcoholism, never being sure if I could make it through another day, everything; I never stopped loving you. I used to dream about this, that you'd changed your mind and come back to me and made everything better; having you here promising me that you'll stand by my side for the rest of your life isn't a dream come true. It's better. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little scared, but I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before in my life."

"I know you're scared," James replies, reaching up to cup the side of Kendall's face, "I am too, believe me, I'm terrified right now. I keep waiting for you to tell me I'm not worth it, that I fucked up too badly and that you need to move on. But you haven't done it yet, and I swear to you I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be worth it." Kendall's eyes slide closed and he leans into James's touch, emotion threatening to overwhelm him.

"You're worth it," he whispers, unable to open his eyes, "you've always been worth it; everything I went through…I'd go through it again, and more, if it meant you'd be happy." He feels James's thumb caress his face and opens his eyes, seeing James's hazel eyes filled with unshed tears.

"I'm happy when I'm with you," he whispers, "please, Kendall, take me back. I can't live without you." Kendall nods wordlessly, because he can't imagine a life without James in it; he tried, but he doesn't think the last two and a half years of his life qualify as living, all he did was exist. A smile breaks out onto James's face at Kendall's nod, and he leans forward to crush his lips against Kendall's, arms wrapping tight around his waist. Kendall returns the kiss, feeling some of the terror from earlier subside a little as James holds him.

"James," he breathes out after a moment, "Jamie, I'm scared. I trust you, you know that, but I'm fucking terrified right now." James pulls back and looks him in the eye, reaching out to card a hand through his hair, which helps a little.

"I'm here for you," he says softly, not stopping the movement of his hand, knowing it's helping calm Kendall down, "talk to me, tell me what you're feeling." Kendall sighs, hating how weak he feels right now, but as he closes his eyes and focuses on the feeling of James's hand in his hair it gets easier to deal with.

"Before, when I felt like this, I'd go drinking," he murmurs, glad he can't see the expression on James's face as he talks, "and that urge is still there, to get wasted; it's like a magnetic force, pulling on me, because I know if I drink I'll be able to forget that I'm scared, or upset, or whatever, and I feel so weak right now." James's hand stops moving and Kendall opens his eyes, afraid to see the expression on his boyfriend's face.

"You're not weak," he says firmly, pulling Kendall into his lap, "what can I do for you?" Kendall shrugs, because he's not sure what he needs right now, aside from James.

"Just be here," he sighs, resting his head on James's shoulder, "having you here makes it easier to resist the urge to drink." He lifts his head up to look at James, who looks a little lost.

"Besides, I know you'll be disappointed in me if I fall off the wagon again, and I don't want that," he says with a rueful smile, and James rolls his eyes.

"I'd only be disappointed because I want you to get better," he says, pushing Kendall's head back down on his shoulder, "and if me being here helps then I'm not leaving you again, not if I can help it." Kendall smiles, pressing a kiss to James's neck.

"I like the sound of that," he says, and they pass the rest of the night cuddling on the couch, food and candles forgotten for the time being, but Kendall doesn't care, because James really is the only thing he needs in life.

* * *

><p>Two months later finds Kendall completely sober and confident that he can keep going; having James back in his life like nothing ever changed has done wonders for him, he's happy, and he knows everyone else can see it too. He wakes up early one morning in February, alone in bed. He figures James must have already gotten up for breakfast, so he's surprised when he sees Logan and Carlos sitting at the table by themselves.<p>

"Where's James?" he asks, trying to quell the feeling of deja vu, because James promised him he wasn't going anywhere, if he's left Kendall for another stupid reason Kendall's not sure he'll be able to handle it. He scowls as his first instinct has him contemplating picking up some liquor, but he knows he's stronger than his alcoholism now, so he settles for sitting down at the kitchen table, feeling a little numb.

"Before you freak out," Carlos says, reaching out to grip Kendall's shoulder, and Kendall doesn't miss him exchange a worried glance with Logan, "James flew back to California this morning, Camille was in a car accident and is in the hospital. We're flying out there this afternoon, Logan's already called the Wild to let them know you won't be at practice for a week." Kendall stares in shock at Carlos, because even though he believes his friend, knows that Carlos wouldn't lie to him about something that serious he can't help but wonder why James didn't at least tell him he was leaving.

"When's our flight?" he asks, and Carlos slides a plane ticket across the table to him.

"Two hours," he says, "so we should get going soon. I'm sorry he left so abruptly, but he said he was going to leave you a note, didn't you see it?" Kendall shakes his head, because he hadn't realized he'd needed to look for a note, but knowing that it's there in their room makes him feel a little better.

"It's on the nightstand," Carlos says, standing up and motioning for Kendall to get up too, "c'mon, Logan and I are packed already, get your shit together so we can go."

* * *

><p>Two hours later Kendall's on a plane to California, his head on Logan's shoulder as they fly; Logan reaches down to take Kendall's hand and squeeze it reassuringly, he knows Logan can see that he's having trouble right now.<p>

"Just relax," Logan murmurs, and he doesn't let go of Kendall's hand the whole flight, for which Kendall is really grateful; Logan knows him better than anyone in the world, aside from James, and Kendall's not sure what he'd do without him. The flight passes without incident, Kendall falls asleep against Logan for a little while, and the next thing he knows they're in a cab heading to the hospital. Carlos leads them to Camille's room, and Kendall breathes a sigh of relief when he sees James sitting next to her bed, and the expression on James's face when he turns and sees Kendall standing in the doorway kind of makes up for Kendall's momentary panic.

"Hey," James breathes, standing up and walking over to Kendall, wrapping his arms tight around his waist, "I'm so sorry I just up and left like that; I knew it'd freak you out, but Camille's the only real friend I've got out here now, I had to come." Kendall lets out a shuddering breath, wrapping his arms back around James and holding him tight, because he didn't realize how much he needs James until he thought James was gone.

"It's okay," he says softly, because this isn't about him right now, "what happened, James?" James unwraps his arms and turns to look at Camille in the hospital bed, sadness passing over his face.

"She was driving home from the studio and got hit by a car that ran a red light," he says quietly, sitting back down and pulling Kendall onto his lap, "the doctors say she's going to be okay, she's got a broken wrist and a hell of a lot of whiplash, but she's going to be okay. They said she was lucky, though; the other car hit the passenger side, if it'd hit the driver's side she'd be dead."

"I'm gonna go find a doctor, see if I can find out when she'll be able to go home," Logan says, and the look on his face is stricken; Kendall knows that Logan still cares about Camille, even though they haven't dated in years. Carlos nods and gets up to follow Logan, shooting them both an encouraging smile.

"So are you okay?" James asks, resting his chin on Kendall's shoulder, "I can only imagine what you went through when you woke up and I was gone, I'm still so sorry." Kendall shakes his head, turning his head to press a kiss to James's lips.

"I'm fine, I promise," he says, and the look of relief on James's face is plain, "I won't lie, I did freak out a little, but Carlos explained what happened, so it wasn't a big deal." James nods, tilting his head back to cast an appraising glance over Kendall, and Kendall feels himself flush a little under the scrutiny.

"Did you…you didn't drink, did you?" he asks quietly, and Kendall can see how hard it is for him to ask that question, because he knows James is thinking Kendall will interpret that as not having faith in him.

"Thought about it," Kendall says with a shrug, "but no, I didn't. I didn't even really want to, it was more of a…reflex, I think." James smiles brightly at him, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead.

"Good," he says, "that's really good, Kendall; I'm so proud of you." Kendall smiles, because even though he doesn't feel like it's a huge deal, to have resisted the urge one time, James's enthusiasm means a lot.

"Thanks," he says, smiling at him, "and you know, you don't have to be afraid to ask me something like that; it helps me, to know I have to answer to you if I screw up." James nods, pressing a kiss to his forehead again.

"Okay," he says, looking up as Logan and Carlos come back in. "You find anything out?" Logan shakes his head, looking frustrated.

"They just said they're keeping her here until they 'know more,'" he says, sitting down at the foot of her bed and watching her sadly, "I'm just glad she's okay."

"Me too," Carlos says, settling a hand on Logan's shoulder, "she was so lucky." He turns to James, and Kendall can see the hesitation on his face as he he opens his mouth again.

"J, there's a shit ton of paparazzi outside the hospital," he says, "they cornered me and Logan a few minutes ago when I went to go make a phone call; they keep asking me if you're here in support of your girlfriend." James makes a disgusted noise, tightening his arms around Kendall's waist.

"What'd you tell them?" he asks, sounding frustrated, and Kendall gets it; he's heard all the rumors of James and Camille being a couple, but he knows they've only ever been friends.

"No comment," Carlos says frustratedly, "but you're going to have to make a statement eventually." James nods, resting his head against Kendall's, and Kendall guesses he's thinking about just coming out, but that's a conversation for later.

"We'll figure it out," he says softly, "don't worry about it now, Camille needs us." James nods, and they fall silent as they wait for her to wake up.

* * *

><p>They spend about three weeks in California; James has avoided making a statement to the press so far, but Kendall knows it's been on his mind ever since Carlos mentioned it the day they got there. He finally decides to broach the topic one night after dinner, because he can see that it's bothering him, and after everything James has done for him he figures it's the least he can do.<p>

"So are you ever gonna make a press statement?" he asks, looking up at James from where they're laying tangled together on the tiny couch in their hotel, and James shrugs.

"I know I need to," he says quietly, "but I have no idea what to say. I'm tired of denying Camille's my girlfriend, but the alternative is really terrifying, I don't know what to do." Kendall frowns, sitting up so he can look at James properly.

"What's the alternative?" he asks. "Coming out?" James nods, looking a little sick, and Kendall gets it; gay singers aren't really all that well received, and he knows how much James's career means to him.

"I want to," he whispers, "because I don't want you to think that I'm ashamed of you, I'm just so scared it's going to ruin my career."

"I know you're not ashamed of me, James," Kendall says, reaching up to cup James's cheek, "you're out to all of our friends and families, that's all that matters to me." James sighs softly, leaning into Kendall's touch.

"I'm worried what it'll do to your career too," he says, "and I know you told me once that I'm more important, but I know how much you love playing hockey, the last thing I want to do is to put that in jeopardy."

"Don't worry about that," Kendall says firmly, "this is about you right now, and I told you, I've been out to the Wild for awhile now; I don't think I have a whole lot to worry about." James nods, looking unsure, and Kendall lays back down next to him, resting his head on James's chest.

"Don't worry about me," he says again, "I'll support you no matter what you decide."

"Thanks," James says, and Kendall can hear how grateful he is, so Kendall just tightens his arms around James as they spend the rest of the night in each others' arms.


	6. Chapter 6

James finally makes the press statement a week later; James and Carlos come back to the hotel after the statement, and James immediately goes to Kendall and pulls him into his arms, holding him tight.

"I'm so scared," he whispers, "I hope this doesn't blow up on me." Kendall sighs, reaching up to stroke James's hair gently.

"It'll be okay," he says, hoping he's being reassuring, and James nods, "whatever happens we'll get through it."

"Okay," James says, and that's all they talk about it for the rest of the day; Kendall knows James needs space from it for now.

* * *

><p>It takes a few days before the backlash hits; Kendall was kind of expecting it, because it happens to everyone that does something like this, but it's totally different when it's happening to someone he loves. He knows that in the statement James said he was in a committed relationship, and it hasn't taken the paparazzi much digging to find out that the other person is the center for the Minnesota Wild. Kendall's bombarded when he goes out one day, people are jeering at him and calling him a fag, and even though Kendall was expecting it to happen it still really hurts.<p>

He manages to make it back to the hotel in one piece, but he hasn't felt this rattled in a long time and he's so shaken he doesn't even register that he's gone to the minibar in the room, (which is stocked, and Kendall vaguely remembers Carlos telling the hotel staff not to), grabbed the bottle of vodka out of it and downed half of it in one go before he's already done it. He immediately feels sick to his stomach, but he's already done it, so he downs the rest of the bottle and grabs another, continuing to drink and hating himself the more he does.

There wasn't anywhere near enough liquor in the mini bar to get him drunk, so he's mostly coherent when Carlos comes back from Camille's apartment, and the look on Carlos's face when he takes in Kendall on the couch with empty bottles strewn around him makes him hate himself even more.

"Oh shit, Kendall," Carlos breathes, rushing over to him and pulling him upright, "Kendall, what happened, why are you drinking?" Kendall sighs, feeling the room spin as he resists the urge to bang his head against a wall until he passes out.

"Got mobbed today," he mutters, and Carlos frowns and puts an arm around his shoulders, "called a fag. People suck, Carlitos." He pulls back, focusing intently on Carlos, trying to ground himself.

"I was expecting it," he says deliberately, trying not to slur his words, "but it still hurt. A lot. I hate myself, I didn't even know I was drinking until I'd had almost a whole bottle." He thinks Carlos looks really, really pissed, and he lays back on the couch as Carlos gets up and heads for the phone in the room, Kendall's not sure what he's doing.

"Get me the manager," he hears Carlos snarl into the receiver, "no, now. I don't care what he's doing." There's a pause and there's the sound of Carlos tapping his foot impatiently, evidently waiting for the manager to get on the phone.

"Carlos Garcia," he says, sounding like he's answering a question, "I want to know which fucking idiot on your housekeeping staff stocked the mini bar in James Diamond's room when I specifically told them not to." He pauses again, and Kendall looks over to see Carlos's eyebrows narrow, he guesses Carlos didn't like the manager's answer.

"That's not good enough," he spits, glaring over to where Kendall's watching him, and Kendall can tell he looks a little dazed by how Carlos's expression darkens, "yes, I'm aware that mistakes happen, but one of the guests in this room is a recovering alcoholic, I don't make requests like that for no reason." He pauses again.

"No," he growls, after a minute, "there had better be some repercussions to this, and I fully expect the hotel to cover Mr. Diamond's hotel room for the duration of his stay." Another pause.

"I can assure you I'm completely serious," Carlos snarls, and Kendall doesn't think he's ever seen Carlos so pissed, it's kind of scary, "I'll be in touch." He slams the phone down on the receiver and pulls out his cellphone, dialling what Kendall assumes is James's number.

"Hey," hey says, running his free hand through his hair, "yeah, J, you gotta come back; some moron stocked the mini bar and I guess Kendall got mobbed by a bunch of people that weren't real thrilled that he's gay and he started drinking." He pauses again, looking over at Kendall on the couch again.

"He's fine, I think," Carlos says, tugging on his hair in clear frustration, "I don't think there was enough booze to get him wasted, but…just, you gotta come back." He hangs up the phone after another pause and heads back over to the couch, sitting down next to Kendall and pulling him into his arms.

"James is on his way back," he says softly, "don't you dare beat yourself up for this, Kendall." Kendall sighs, relaxing in Carlos's arms, wishing they were James's, but he knows James will be back soon, so he waits patiently, bracing himself for the disappointment he knows he's going to see in James's eyes.

It takes about twenty minutes for James to get back to the hotel, and he immediately strides to the couch and pulls Kendall into his arms. Kendall feels Carlos get up from the couch and leave, he wonders vaguely if Carlos is going to go kill the manager.

"Kendall, baby, what happened?" James asks softly, reaching up to stroke Kendall's hair, and Kendall feels a wave of self loathing hit him again.

"I'm fucking useless, is what happened," he says wretchedly, "I couldn't even handle people being themselves, I had to come back and start drinking." He feels James shake his head, and he hates himself a little more, because James was with Camille, and this is supposed to be about her; not him and his ability to invariably screw up.

"Stop that," James says firmly, tilting Kendall's head up, and Kendall doesn't see any reproach in his gaze, just understanding, "it's okay, baby, I'm not upset with you, I know that's what you're thinking."

"I hate myself for it," Kendall whispers, "how can you not?"

"Because I love you," James says simply, "and honestly, I was kind of expecting this to happen. Not because I don't have faith in you, or because I don't think you can do it, but because beating alcoholism is really hard. Most people fall off the wagon a few times before they kick it, you're still doing amazingly well with this." Kendall sighs again, knowing James is right.

"I guess," he allows after a moment, laying his head back down on James's shoulder, "I just…am so disappointed with myself." James presses a kiss to the top of his head, tightening his hold on Kendall's waist.

"C'mon, let's get you in bed," he says, "sleep it off. I'll stay with you." Kendall nods, standing up and immediately swaying, scowling at the floor.

"I got you," James says, sweeping Kendall into his arms, and Kendall grins despite himself as he wraps his arms around James's neck, because he's reminded of a husband carrying his new bride into the bedroom the night of their wedding.

"What are you grinning for?" James asks, smiling down at Kendall.

"You're carrying me like a bride, Jamie," Kendall says, feeling a little better about everything as James laughs, "am I your bride?" James rolls his eyes as he walks through the bedroom doorway, kicking the door closed once they're inside.

"You'd have to be a girl to be my bride," he teases, eyes sparkling with amusement, "but when we get married I'll carry you into the honeymoon suite like this." Kendall immediately stops grinning, staring up at James in disbelief as he's deposited onto the bed.

"What?" he asks softly, watching James carefully. "You want to marry me?" James nods, laying down next to Kendall and propping himself up on his elbow.

"'Course," he says with a smile, "what d'you think that ring on your hand is for?"

"You said it was a promise ring," Kendall says confusedly, knowing if he was sober he wouldn't be having this much trouble figuring out what the hell James is talking about. James grins, eyes still sparkling with amusement as he looks down at Kendall.

"A promise that we'd be together for the rest of our lives," he clarifies, "you don't think my plans for that included marrying you?" Kendall stares again, because he can't believe James would want to marry him, not after everything Kendall's put him through these past few months.

"Don't, I can see what you're thinking," James says, "you are worth it. You know how high my standards are, baby, I wouldn't stick around if you weren't worth it." Kendall just blinks at James, who laughs and bends down to kiss him soundly.

"Go to sleep, Kendall," he says, laying down and pulling Kendall into his arms, "we can discuss this in greater detail when you can follow what I'm saying." Kendall catches himself pouting as he lays his head on James's chest, but he knows deep down that James is serious, and the thought puts a smile on his face as he feels himself drift into sleep.

* * *

><p>When Kendall wakes up the next morning he's not surprised he doesn't have a hangover; he's glad he doesn't, he doesn't miss the feeling. James is still wrapped tight around him, and Kendall smiles as he remembers the conversation they had last night.<p>

"Morning," James says, looking up at him and smiling brightly, "how're you feeling?"

"Okay," Kendall says, still frustrated about last night. James frowns a little.

"Don't beat yourself up over it," he says, leaning up to kiss Kendall gently, "if you beat yourself up over it you'll never move on." Kendall nods, knowing James is right.

"So next time something like that happens," James says, moving to lay his head on Kendall's chest, "call me. I don't care where I am, if you feel like drinking I want you to call me. And if I don't answer call Logan, or Carlos."

"Okay," Kendall agrees, "thanks."

"You don't have to thank me," James says, looking up at Kendall with a smile, "I'm here for you, no matter what. We all are." Kendall nods, leaning down to drop a kiss on the top of James's head.

"I need to go back to Minnesota soon," he says after a moment, "are you gonna stay here?" James's brow furrows in thought.

"I don't like the idea of you going back without me," he says carefully, propping himself up on his elbow to look Kendall in the eye, "not after what happened the last time we tried this long distance. I'm going to worry about you." Kendall shrugs, because he's thought about this a lot the last few days, and he thinks he can handle it; they managed last time, after all.

"I know," he says, reaching up to cup James's face, "I won't lie, the idea is scaring me too, but as long as you're not planning on dumping me I think I'll be okay." James shakes his head vehemently, reaching down to take Kendall's left hand and hold it up.

"Do you remember what we talked about last night?" he asks, smiling softly when Kendall nods.

"So every time you're worried about me leaving you I want you to look at this," he says, running his thumb over the ring on Kendall's finger, "I promised you, I'm never leaving you again." Kendall smiles, leaning up to kiss James gently.

"I trust you," he says against James's lips, "I love you, James."

"I love you too," James says, pulling back to smile at Kendall, "I have another eighteen months left on my contract with this label, once that's up I'm coming back to Minnesota so I can be with you. And then we'll finally have a real life together."

"I like the sound of that," Kendall says with a grin, knowing that going back alone is going to be hard, but he thinks he can do it, he finally has faith in himself.

* * *

><p>The next day Kendall and Logan are on a plane back to Minneapolis, and Kendall thinks his distress must be really visible; James had hugged him so tight Kendall actually had Logan check him for a broken rib, and Carlos had slipped him a business card with his office number on it, in case Kendall couldn't get ahold of James.<p>

"Any time, day or night," he'd said, "calls get forwarded to my cell after nine." Logan had taken his hand after they got on the plane, squeezing it tight as they took off.

"So I was kind of thinking you should go to rehab," he says once the plane has levelled off, holding up his free hand when Kendall makes a face, "I know you don't want to, but you can get a sponsor, someone to help you if you feel the need to drink."

"Isn't that basically what you three are?" Kendall asks, frowning. "I don't want to go to rehab; I can do this, the three of you are all I need." Logan frowns a little, and Kendall can see he doesn't quite believe him, but Kendall shakes his head.

"If I relapse again I'll go," he says, and Logan nods approvingly, "I promise."

"Okay," he says, smiling and squeezing Kendall's hand, "that's good enough for me."

"Good," Kendall says, resting his head on Logan's shoulder as they fly home.


	7. Chapter 7

Kendall's actually kind of proud of himself; the first few weeks that he's home without James border on torture, but he doesn't feel the urge to drink, not since the first night. Logan had been out, so he'd called James, who'd sat on the phone with him for an hour, just talking to him.

He'd called Carlos one night too, when he couldn't get ahold of James, because the team went out to dinner and some of his teammates had booze with their food. Carlos had talked to him on his way home from the restaurant, and even though Kendall hadn't felt the need to drink he figured he'd be better off if he called someone.

James calls him every night without fail, and even though Kendall hates talking on the phone, it's different when it's James; Kendall thinks he could listen to his boyfriend's voice for hours without getting bored. James asks him how he's doing every night, and even though Kendall always answers with how his day has gone it's an unspoken understanding that James is checking to make sure he's not drinking. It helps, to have James hold him accountable, and the subtlety with which he does keeps Kendall from feeling overly pressured.

A month after Kendall goes back to Minnesota he gets a call from James one Friday morning; James tells him that he won't be around for most of the day, and that he won't be able to call Kendall that night. He won't say why, and Kendall tries his best to keep the suspicion at bay, but it's hard. He's able to ignore it while he's at practice; the idea of drinking flits into his head for a split second but he ignores it, knowing he can hang out with Logan once he gets home. As he walks out of the locker room into the main lobby of the ice rink he's greeted by the sight of James standing in the middle of the room, a bright smile on his face. Kendall stares, because suddenly everything James said this morning makes sense and he laughs out loud, striding over to James and pulling him into a tight hug.

"I hope I didn't freak you out," James says, kissing Kendall soundly, "but I wanted to surprise you."

"Asshole," Kendall teases, "I didn't freak, but that was definitely not my favorite phone call from you." James laughs, wrapping an arm around Kendall's waist as they walk out of the rink.

"At least I wasn't lying when I said I wouldn't be able to call you tonight," he says, grinning widely at Kendall as they climb into Kendall's car. Kendall shakes his head, reaching over to lace his fingers with James's once they're on the road.

"So how long are you here for?" he asks, feeling his breath catch as James pulls his hand free of Kendall's and trails it up his leg.

"All weekend," he smirks, "Carlos has a flight booked for me Monday morning."

"Awesome," Kendall manages, fixing James with a Look; they haven't done anything more intimate than kissing since Christmas, and Kendall was completely fine with that until now, because their focus was getting their relationship back, not sex. "If you don't cut that out you're going to make me crash." James grins like a Cheshire cat, making Kendall roll his eyes.

"Okay, fine, I'll wait," he says with a mock pout, "but I'll remind you we've never gone so long without sex before." Kendall laughs, stepping on the accelerator to get them home faster.

"I've been fragile," he jokes, "be nice, Jamie." James laughs and pulls his hand away, settling back into the passenger seat.

"Sorry, sorry," he says with a smirk, "didn't mean to offend your fragile psyche." Kendall turns to make a face at him as he drives, and James laughs again.

"Fuck, Kendall, I missed you," he says, leaning over the center armrest to press a kiss to Kendall's neck, "I hope you realize that we're not leaving your bed all weekend; it's been like, a decade since we've had sex and I'm not going back to California until we spend a good six hours fucking." Kendall turns to James, torn between amusement and disbelief.

"You're insane," he says in awe, "and it hasn't been a decade, you freak."

"Two years, a decade, my dick doesn't know the difference," James chuckles, and Kendall hears him breathe a sigh of relief once the car's finally in the parking garage.

"You're ridiculous," he laughs as James all but drags him up to the apartment. Kendall and Logan never moved after James and Carlos went back to California, because they all figured once James's contract was up he and Carlos would just move back in. James doesn't waste any time in dragging Kendall to their bedroom, pausing for a split second to shoot Logan a greeting, and then he's shoving Kendall down onto their bed, climbing on top of him and crushing their lips together.

"Someone's impatient," Kendall teases, groaning softly as James kisses his way down Kendall's neck.

"No sex in a decade," James murmurs, sliding his hands under Kendall's shirt, "remember?" Kendall laughs, reaching for the hem of James's shirt and yanking it over his head, because he may have been okay with being celibate before, but that was when he didn't have his insanely hot boyfriend on top of him, grinding their hips together.

"God, James," he gasps, and his brain feels hazy as James flips them and all but tears Kendall's shirt off, and Kendall's vaguely reminded of the fact that he sort of feels this way when he's drunk, but holy fuck, this is _so_ much better.

"What are you thinking about?" James asks, tilting his head to survey Kendall, and Kendall realizes he probably spaced out for a second. He leans down to nip at James's collarbone with a smirk.

"That sex is so much better than getting wasted," he says, which makes James laugh.

"It is," he agrees, "we can have as much sex as you want if you think it'll help."

"You would say that," Kendall laughs, moving to James's side and reaching down to pop his jeans open, "you always were such a slut for me fucking you, I think the time off has only made it worse." James rolls his eyes and kicks his jeans off before turning to Kendall with a wicked grin.

"You're a slut for getting fucked too, you ass," he says, reaching between them to palm Kendall's dick through his pants, "I think I should show you who you belong to." Kendall laughs and rolls his eyes, lifting up as James tugs his pants off his hips.

"You dumped me and I turned into an alcoholic," he teases, reaching up to fist his hands in James's hair, "I've belonged to you since we were sixteen, two years apart didn't change that." James freezes, staring down at Kendall with a strange expression on his face.

"I don't know if I like you joking about that," he says softly, "it's serious, Kendall, not something to joke about."

"True," Kendall says, shrugging a little, "but the fact that I _can_…I've never been able to _talk _about it before, much less joke, but if it bothers you I won't do it again." James frowns in thought for a moment before nodding.

"Okay," he says, smiling a little, "if it helps you deal to joke about it a little then that's fine; just don't go overboard, okay?" Kendall nods, pulling James down to crush their lips together again.

"Less talking, more fucking," he says against James's mouth, "show me who I belong to." James chuckles, bending down to mouth at Kendall's neck, and Kendall knows he's going to have a hell of a hickey later. He groans softly as James reaches down and starts stretching him open; it's been so long since James has fucked him that it feels like the first time all over again. He thinks, through the haze in his brain, that the feeling is appropriate, but he can't actually think so he settles for nipping at James's lips roughly, smirking to himself when James groans.

"Fuck, Kendall, you're so hot," James murmurs, crooking his fingers and Kendall thinks he might have let out a shout, "so fucking hot, I missed you so much."

"I know you did," Kendall gasps, "fuck, James, stop teasing and just fuck me already." James nods, pulling back to leave Kendall on the bed, and the next thing he really registers is James hooking his leg under his arm and pressing into him, groaning loudly. It's like nothing they've ever done before and familiar all at the same time, and Kendall loses himself in the sensations as James builds a rhythm; it's easily the best sex they've ever had, and it's over far too quickly for Kendall's liking, but when James lays down next to him and smiles like Kendall is the only thing in the world it kind of makes up for it.

"I love you," he murmurs, pulling James into his arms and holding him tight, "that was worth the decade wait." James laughs, leaning up to kiss Kendall's jawline, and the sound of his laugh is something Kendall thinks he could listen to forever.

"It was," James agrees, "and I love you too." Kendall smiles, and they drift off into a contented sleep; Kendall knows James will try to hold him to not leaving their bedroom for the whole weekend, and he doesn't think he minds too much. After all, James is worth it.

* * *

><p>The weekend passes all too quickly for both Kendall and James's liking; Kendall knows he's kind of being a baby, but it really sucks, not having James around. They make it work though; James surprises him with another visit on his birthday a few months later, and Kendall takes a week to fly out to California about two months after that. It's not ideal, but it works, and it's worth it, when the label gives James a month off for Christmas and New Years. Kendall's a little nervous about this Christmas; so much emotional trauma happened to him, to both of them, the last year, Kendall wonders how he's going to react to it. It almost feels like deja vu, when Logan drags him out to buy and decorate a tree again, but this time Kendall remembers the last year, which automatically makes it better.<p>

Carlos and James show up three days before Christmas again, and they immediately settle into a routine that's as seamless now as it was before they split up. Kendall spent weeks shopping for James's Christmas present, dragging Logan with him to every place he could think of before finally settling on a watch that didn't quite match the one James got him last year, but it's the same brand and it's similar, which Kendall actually prefers; matching jewelry is kind of cheesy.

Christmas Eve finds all four of them in the living room of their apartment, Kendall tucked against James's side in an armchair and Logan laying with his head on Carlos's lap on the couch, watching another cheesy movie Carlos picked out; Kendall thinks this is a tradition in the making. After it's over James gets up and clears his throat; Kendall thinks he looks insanely nervous. Logan and Carlos sit up and watch with knowing smiles, clearly they know what's going on.

"So I know it's not Christmas yet, but I wanted to make sure this was a separate thing," he starts, looking down at Kendall with a smile. Kendall arches an eyebrow wordlessly, and James takes a step closer to Kendall, fishing something out of his pocket. Kendall looks over at Carlos and Logan, who just smile, and he feels deja vu again, but this time the situation doesn't terrify him. James kneels down in front of Kendall and hands him a box, resting his hands on Kendall's knees.

"Last year I promised you I'd do anything to make things right between us," he says softly, "and you gave me a chance I didn't deserve, that I had no right to ask for, and ever since that day I've realized that I'm not happy unless you're by my side." He motions for Kendall to open the box, and Kendall sees an intricately engraved white gold band, watching James wordlessly as he takes it out of the box and holds it up between them.

"I love you," he says simply, "will you marry me?" Kendall stares at James, unable to form words for a moment, and James's face starts to fall, like he thinks Kendall is going to say no.

"I'm not taking your last name," he says, smiling at James, and James's eyes light up as Kendall slides the ring on, moving the one that was there to his right hand.

"Kendall Diamond does sound kind of weird," James laughs, pulling Kendall off the chair and into his lap, "I'll take your name if you want." Kendall laughs, looking over at Carlos and Logan, who roll their eyes good naturedly, and Kendall doesn't think he's ever been happier in his life.


	8. Chapter 8

The next nine months pass in a blur; Kendall's so wrapped up in hockey and planning a wedding that he feels like he barely has time to breathe. James makes it home a few times to help Kendall plan, and so they can do things like tuxedo fittings; the whole situation is so surreal to Kendall sometimes it's like he's living in a dream.

When the day of the wedding finally arrives Kendall's confined to a side tent at the park in which they're holding it; Logan and Carlos have both been in to check on him a few times, and Logan mentions offhandedly the last time he comes in that James looks stunning. Kendall's not surprised, and he wonders vaguely how the hell he's supposed to compare to his fiancé, but Logan looks him over and tells him he looks hot too, which helps.

The next thing he really registers is walking down the split aisle at the same time as James; Logan's walking with him, and Carlos is walking with James, and when they finally reach the end of the aisle that seems like it goes on forever the only thing Kendall can focus on is James. His whole world narrows to the person standing across from him, about to become his husband, and before he knows it James is opening his mouth to say his vows.

"I never thought I'd be here," he says, voice barely audible in the tent, "I never thought I'd be so lucky to have someone like you in my life, and I thank god every day that I do." He squeezes Kendall's hands tight, and Kendall can see the emotion in his eyes, because he never thought they'd be here either.

"I promised you years ago that I'd be by your side," he says, voice growing stronger, "that no matter what happened I'd be there for you, and I never forgot those words. I love you, Kendall Knight, and I promise to for the rest of my life." Kendall feels a blinding smile break out onto his face, and he resists the urge to pull James in to kiss him, because now it's his turn.

"There aren't any words to do justice to how I feel about being up here with you," he says, hearing his voice ring through the tent, "because it's better than any dream I've ever had. You're my other half; the part of me I didn't realize I needed until it was gone. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have you, because I can't live without you. I love you, James Diamond, and always will." The expression on James's face is one of pure happiness, and he loses himself in James's gaze until he registers the officiator telling them to kiss, and he knows he's not letting go of his new husband for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>The following Christmas finds James and Kendall happily married, and Kendall's been sober for over a year; he knows he's finally kicked the alcoholism, and with James by his side he knows he'll never have a problem again. They never bother to move out of the apartment they share with Logan and Carlos, who finally stopped dancing around each other a few months ago and started dating, and Kendall thinks his life is pretty much perfect. He's confident and happy, and even when he and James fight (because they do, no relationship is perfect) Kendall never feels the need to turn to alcohol; he knows James is proud of him for that.<p>

* * *

><p>If you'd told Kendall when he was twenty two that at twenty five he'd be be the star player for the Minnesota Wild he'd have laughed and agreed with you; he's Kendall Knight, after all. What he didn't realize was that by twenty five he'd have had the best thing in his life torn away, almost ruined his life with alcohol, and three years <em>after<em> that married his best friend. And despite it all, he wouldn't change a thing.


End file.
